‘grow through, what you go through.’

this post is going to read like chaos. cause that is how life has felt for the last long while. or maybe it’s more like an intense overwhelmingness. I dunno. all I know is that soooooo much has happened this year. so so much. a TON of good. but since September I’m feeling like life has been testing me and teaching me some harder than normal lessons.

the last 4 weeks in particular have been intense. game-changer / ‘time-to-make-some-changes’ intense.  I am truly amazed that I am not in a flare right now because the stress has been out of control.  I don’t think, ever in my life, that I’ve felt so mentally + emotionally + physically overwhelmed all at the same time over such a long stretch. and there are some people I’d like to blame for that. but I cannot. because at the end of the day, I am responsible for everything that happens to me. and it’s up to me to not give other people the power to control my thoughts and actions.

If I do not go in to a flare shortly, then VSL#3 and chicken feet are saving my life.

colonoscopy first thing tomorrow morning so we will see what my guts tell mr doc. man.

praying.

 

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how I stopped the next flare in it’s tracks.

step one. don’t do THIS↓ all summer long and you won’t have a flare to stop in the first place.

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HA. just kidding. the stress from wine deprivation alone would be enough to put me in a flare.

lol. kidding again. kindaaaa.

Continue reading “how I stopped the next flare in it’s tracks.”

Peace and calm can always be found at the lake.

Last week started off not so good for my brain and heart.  sadness and anger and worry hogged the majority of my thoughts. and this time I can’t blame it [these feelings] on a lack of Vitamin B, or so I thought. without going in to detail about what happened, a few different things just added up [from sad thoughts, to mean people, to worry and anger and back to sadness] and gave me a sucky Monday. AND it was still cloudy after a weekend full of clouds and cold and wind. at some point tho the sun did come out cause I remember it when I took a breather and walked to the Thrift store on my lunch. I guess my mind was too distracted to notice  that I had stormed out of the office without my purse. #damnit.

Tuesday I woke up feeling very depressed about all the new thoughts Monday had given me. and of course what you throw out in to the universe… the law of attraction, and all that magic, it’s very very real. sooooo > > > one bad thought leads to the next bad thought and one spilled smoothie splattered all over leads to your crabbiness about your blush colour looking horrible and you messing up your eye liner. and running too late to worry about garbage day and the litter box is full and OH. okay! lets miss the bus by 5 seconds. and kaBAM we’re playing a wicked game of dominos. and yay, more clouds. by the time I was almost at work standing at an intersection waiting to cross the street, I was fighting hard to hold back some tears. at that point I was sad and angry for being sad and angry. and then, like meant-to-be kinda stuff , this old rough looking homely man with a cane came hobbling towards me and as he crossed in front of my path he looked over to me and said, ‘GOOOOD MORNING! Can we get a smile!??’  and it completely overwhelmed me with [more unneeded] emotion. I gave him a half-big smile just as it was my turn to cross the street. I made it to my desk just in time for the tears to start flowing. I was incredibly moved by the old-man-smile moment, sad about Monday’s thoughts and the clouds and also mad that I was even crying and feeling all this crap in the first place!!! the old man thing was a huge moment to me because, one > i’m usually always smiling. two > he doesn’t even  know that i’m having a sucky day. and three. > strangers don’t usually blurt things out to other strangers, so the chance of that happening to me in the state that I was in…. was a big ‘woah’ for me.

anyway, maybe hard to understand but that moment shook me back in to perspective. I was still crummy for the rest of the day but at least mindful about trying to fight to get out of it. this too shall pass. or so I thought.

later that evening I was going through my journal, reading some old entries as some sort of therapy I guess and came across a post that actually brought me back to the way I felt that moment. peaceful. I was there again sitting on that dock, watching the sunset, remember how the sun on my face felt. and I felt GOOD.

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Wednesday rolled along and with it brought a lot of good things to be happy about. nothing in particular…
the SUN, for one. frick YES.
international pink day and an excuse to wear the brightest pink shirt I have. + pink popcorn. he he. of course NOT to eat tho.
great workout at the gym. (it’s so incredible how powerful exercise is for the mind.)
my #pimpinJOY bag finally arrived. which is about spreading good things and thoughts to one another. so very fitting to arrive on a day that is about our fight against bullying.
my residential design class was starting back up and the excitement of almost being graduated ensued.

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aaaand my happy was back. please don’t leave me again.

but it did. I think maybe only a day or two later and my friend sorrow swooped me back up. (but WHY?)

to be continued..